Little Known Ways Of How To Build ConfidenceAdele Green
To way to overcome doubt is about learning how to build confidence. Do you ever doubt your decisions? Here are 5 confidence tips and 5 sure ways to improve decisions, especially useful in relationships.
Learn how to overcome doubt when making decisions – do not USE your partner to make decisions for you
We mostly assume that co-dependence is an emotional neediness on our partners. But it is also about having expectations in relationships, which are the source of most of our unhappiness. This unhappiness comes from the lack of ability to make ourselves happy.
Our EXPECTATIONS are the real cause of our unhappiness
We link the internal need for change to an external need for independence. This shows up as women who want to be financially independent or the opposite, as those with an inability to make decisions without their partner’s approval. To move past doubt they need to transform on the inside. Confusion about where the change happens is the source of much frustration in relationships; and this appears as irrational behavior to those who have not yet been triggered to change.
To overcome doubt and be INDEPENDENT you need to transform on the inside. Money gives you a false confidence
On a more practical level, a relationship where two people’s needs change (one internal and one still external) leads to them growing apart and there may be an affair or a search for meaning in life, or anything that brings a disconnect for no apparent reason as a result of an unhealthy co-dependency. Here there were unrealistic expectations of their partner to make them happy and they were unable to make decisions independently. Why? They had lost an identity inside the relationship and subsequently made ‘we-identity’ decisions. This is made even worse when we get disillusioned by money which gives us a false sense of confidence, because true confidence comes from independence to decide, based on real needs.
Independent decisions come from UNDERSTANDING our real needs as individuals
I immediately recognize this in clients who experience this deep internal transformation, which can take however long it takes. It is a little bit like the story of the two wolves that grow inside us and the one we feed becomes the one that grows bigger. We then feed the wolf of expecting our partner to decide for us or the one that teaches us to be independent women? Because confidence comes from inside us, there is no other way to deal with this differently.
This question (below) was posed to me recently, and it demonstrates this transformation in women to become internally referent :
Why, then, is my default to take into heart and mind, the opinions and advice of others and beat myself up with this? Doubt myself? Go back into that horrid self doubt and sound and act like a woman with no sense of her self, no power, etc. There is so much more to me than this! I can feel her stir up inside me, a very strong woman! AA steps seek to correct my ‘defects of character’, yet Christ revealed the way to live effectively, teaching that, at my core, I have none. That, aligned with Source, I am a powerful creator. I keep trying to dig in my inner soil and rip the defects out! But then, I somehow get a bit stuck in them. Go back and back. Not fully coming out the other side, victorious. It is so up and down. Do you have any practical suggestions on how to find the balance in this?
There are no right answers and many books have been written to give possible solutions of what worked for people, but if the perfect solution was already in a book, we would all be reading it by now. I can only offer practical tips on what has worked for me so far.
5 CONFIDENCE BUILDING TIPS –
Give yourself permission to make mistakes – when in doubt do it!
- KNOW WHERE YOU GET YOUR AUTHORITY FROM – TAKE BACK YOUR AUTHORITY: Everything we were taught as children comes with an unspoken expectation of adhering to instructions without questioning them. It leaves deep inside us ‘a need’ to get permission for what we want to do. The permission of an accepted authority like the AA, a religion, a belief-structure or even a person in our parents, boss or partner can be given this power over us, until such time that we mature in our own right and lead our own lives.
- GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO MAKE MISTAKES -Knowing this is not enough even though it helps. What we need is to give ourselves permission to make mistakes. How wonderful if we can be given this opportunity as kids where we can fail in a safe environment and learn through our mistakes. I say to my boys that geniuses are people who made the most mistakes of all. Instead of providing space to grow, we teach our kids that success is everything.
- DOUBT IS TAUGHT BECAUSE WE QUESTION OURSELVES – DONT DOUBT YOURSELF – Be sensitive for when a feeling of doubt comes from your intuition and when it comes from the brainwashing to receive unspoken permission.
- STOP EXPECTING YOUR PARTNER TO DECIDE FOR YOU – BEING SCARED GETS YOU NOWHERE, FAST – This transfers to our relationships as wanting our partners to approve of what we want to do. When we do not agree with each other, we fail to agree to disagree and end up blaming our partners, instead of taking responsibility for our own decisions of not trying.
- DOUBT DISAPPEARS OVER TIME AS OUR EXPERIENCES GROW OUR CONFIDENCE IN DECISION-MAKING – My client experienced this doubt as a new-found skill that will develop over time. She seeks guidance outside of herself because her independent decisions were probably a miss (of the hit and miss kind) in her opinion, during her growth process.
& 5 BONUS ‘MUST KNOW’ FACTS TO IMPROVE DECISIONS –
Separate facts from filters for informed decisions
- KNOW YOUR FILTERS –Filters are what stand between us and the facts in front of us. Have you ever gone to party with a friend and when you spoke about it the next day, each of you had different experiences of the same event and of what took place? Perhaps you had a great time and she did not? Filters that cloud our judgement are influenced by our values, beliefs and experiences. Two people can see a gorgeous woman with a tattoo across her breasts. If you have been brought up to believe tattoos are taboo, it would dissolve any attraction the moment you notice her tattoo if it was hidden before. Yet the other person would not mind it at all and possibly appreciate it for its sheer beauty. Our beliefs about life and people affect the way we experience the world. In fact when Anais Nin said “We do not see the world as it is, we see it as we are”, she was referring to our filters.
- SEPARATE THE FACTS FROM THE FICTION (OOPS, FILTERS) – Consider which wolf you feed before you just delve in and do what you really doubt. If you can separate the facts from your filters (and what is important to you) think about the reason that motivates your decision. Make an ecological decision to avoid making a mistake that costs you everything that you value. Therefore, to the question of balance I recommend that once we open ourselves to taking our power back by trying something that we would normally need someone else’s sense of reason for, we use ourselves as a sounding board to think it through.
- BE PREPARED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE MISTAKES YOU MAKE – People often fall from grace when they find freedom. Like a bird released from a cage, old wings that were not exercised need to grow strong first and recall from muscle memory what is inherently there. There is no problem with discussing an issue with someone else or consider it through a template of a belief structure or religion, but make sure that the actual decision is made by you and that you are prepared to take responsibility for the result. There will be no one to blame.
- GET INFORMATION – Any wise king of old had his own advisers, but in the end, leaders make their own decisions. Did you know that even Madiba, from his time in prison until his death, had Professor Grewel as his trusted friend. He used the information given to him and then made an informed decision.
- CHECK THE SOURCE OF YOUR INFORMATION – In my own relationships I had to learn to get the information for myself and not just go along with ‘trust me’. The responsibility to get the facts just means we will never fall into the trap of being dependent on our spouses for life-altering decisions.
Can You See Me Naked: Grow in a conscious relationship
I dedicated a whole chapter in my book WHAT IS CO-DEPENDENCY AND HOW CAN I AVOID IT?